Today, I awoke at 2am from a nightmare, screaming. I dreamt my ex boyfriend was stalking me. I got up to get a drink, and screamed again. I saw my ex boyfriend looking through my window. FML
Ben Okri (via fuckyeahhappy)
Rock N Roll, Ben Okri. \m/ Whoever you are.
The person who started the rumor is eternally stupid.
Today, my wife and I had sex for the first time in a month. It lasted 2 minutes. Afterwards, she said “Ugh. This is why we only have sex once a month.” I lasted only 2 minutes because we only have sex once a month. FML
A tip from Two-Face.
Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML
Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house and took a massive, messy dump. I then realized I’d left the toilet paper in the car. FML